A journey with the little fruitarian runner on board. Day one: Bucharest – Alexandroupolis

The little fruitarian runner starts his morning training just as we get into the car, finally ready to hit the road again. His soft, repeated kicks move me to tears. I am filled with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for everything in my life. I must be the happiest person on earth right now and it feels like I am melting into everything, no more borders, distances collapse and we all fuse. I seem to be the only one to notice, the rest of the world simply carries on. But that changes nothing.

The road to the Bulgarian border is short and wet, a blessing after all the heat in Bucharest. And then it takes forever to cross the bridge over the Danube, so we have a picnic in the car right in the middle of it, eating apricots and apples (fruit, of course, for the little fruitarian runner) and admiring the view from above the river. Being suspended on a high bridge over a big river, the car being shaken as if by small, consecutive earthquakes feels a little bit like being pregnant: all control systems are obsolete and each new breath and every passing second bring new experiences. Exciting!

An eternity and a half later, having been angered by the people crouched in their big cars cutting the line at the Bulgarian border, we are finally out of Romania. It’s amazing how different everything feels once you’ve crossed the border of your home country. Suddenly the pressure is off and it feels like karma is finally giving you a well deserved break. Or so it feels to me.

Crossing Bulgaria feels peaceful enough and the traffic is far from busy. Rather the roads seem underpopulated, giving the traveler space to contemplate the green fields, the fat trees and the gray clouds crammed up in the sky, rain pouring down from them in soft, transparent waves of a silk curtain, its hem ardently sweeping the road.

I will not discuss the apparent poverty of the Bulgarian villages, for they are filthy rich compared to the Cambodian villages I traveled through last year. A totally different world. Their simplicity is relaxing to the eye. So interesting how little connection I feel to this country. Not much difference compared to Romania, but still, to me it’s just a land in between, a space to be crossed, not a destination.

Having crossed the mountains through heavy rain and fog descending from the forest like the wise spirits of our deceased Indian ancestors, as we are approaching the Greek border the sun is shining and the temperature is rising. Farmers have already harvested their wheat crops and the lower, drier scenery brings back to memory Greek words and phrases for me to (ab)use in the coming week.

We come into yet another heavy shower as we are crossing the Greek border – a small, old place that appears as a surprise in the middle of nowhere. And the little fruitarian runner starts his afternoon training – a much softer version of his energetic morning training – pulling all my attention to my lower abdomen and bringing back images of colorful fish swimming peacefully around me while snorkeling in the Aegean Sea a few years ago.

Finally, we are in Greece! Back to one of our most beloved homes after a few years of absence. And yet it doesn’t feel like Greece yet. I look around searching for that unique, familiar feeling that softens the tongue as it wrapping itself around every word, sliding against the roof of the mouth with such sensuous determination. It’s still too green, too hilly and too rainy.

But as we are leaving Bulgaria farther behind, Greece gradually becomes more like her old self and l lean back, anxiously waiting for that exciting first glimpse of the sea. And finally the sun! Coming down like a blessing – a huge hand, its fingers all widely spread to reach as wide an area as possible. And there is such stillness. We barely speak a word. There is no need. A while later, old Greek music, with its coarse, serious, masculine tunes, fills the car, sweeping silence away and bringing back impressions from other lifetimes.

And then we get a little lost in a beautiful small village, taking the time to admire tiny, welcoming gardens and wondering where everybody is. Until we pass the local pub and see all the men in the village gathered there, sitting and drinking in silence, staring at the empty road. The women must be cooking dinner in their low ceiling white kitchens overlooking the back yards.

Finding our way again, we are greeted by a spectacular rainbow on the left of the road, before coming right into a storm, equipped with great lightening and all. There is no rush, so we can afford to simply be happy, our quiet company of three.

Alexandroupolis greets us a bit later, with its typically Greek narrow streets and Mediterranean modern architecture and I get my first glimpse of the sea from the harbor, which leaves me a bit unsatisfied. I get consolation by reminding myself I have a full week on an island coming up.

We check out the harbor and find a motorcycling gathering taking place. We locate the ticket office and then head to the camping. We have a ferry to catch tomorrow morning and, after the long drive today, just want to crash as soon as possible.

We put up the tent on soft, muddy ground, next to a beautiful birch tree, in spot 69, a square lined with tall pink rose bays, letting out their discreet sweet scent. Dinner is fish accompanied by butterflies, a black cat and a more rewarding view of the sea.

sea view at the alexandroupolis camping

And we finally call it a day.

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The end of a journey

‘Congratulations! Welcome to the fourth grade!” I shake this long haired boy’s hand and then bend forward and take him into my arms, having carefully placed a beautiful flower coronet on his head. “I can’t wait to meet you again, on numerous happy occasions.” I continue in a low voice, close to his ear. “I love you!” I tell him grabbing his shoulders and looking him straight in the eye.

“I love you too…” he whispers, throwing his arms around me again and squeezing me hard.

This is a child I was advised to give up on back when I took the class two years ago.

“If I were you”, the school mentor told me in a one to one discussion, “I’d take the class on condition that he leaves. You can’t handle him. I wouldn’t keep him either, and I am so much more experienced than you are.”

I disregarded the advice and took the class the way it was.  He was not the most challenging child.

My greatest accomplishment as a class teacher is not what I have managed to teach my kids in these two years we’ve spent together. Not even being able to ‘handle’ them. I have loved all of them – this is my greatest accomplishment. And I have been loved by all of them.  I have made a significant difference. In their lives and in the world. I will never be forgotten. And they will always be a part of me. They have helped shape who I am today perhaps as much as I have helped shape who they are now.

Going home in my new life, I’m looking at my reflection in the dark window as the noisy  train is rushing along cold and damp tunnels. The lavender in the flower coronet next to my three owls on a branch present in the paper bag I’m holding offers such a refreshing feeling.

“Would you like to sit?” I hear a voice and follow the line from the fingertips tapping my arm to the smiling face of this stout young woman, offering me her seat on the subway.

“Oh, thank you!” I reply smiling back. “It’s ok, I’m getting off at the next stop.”

I’ve really started showing.

 

 

The emerald journey

I have embarked on the most exciting journey I’ve ever been so far. I have a new heart beating inside me. A new heart. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine hearing a brand new heart beating inside you? One that’s grown out of your own ‘material’, one that your body so cleverly produces, in perfect organisation of its cells. One that only so temporarily almost belongs to you… Never before have I been so scared and happy and in love at the same time.

I have all sorts of weird dreams that my subconscious mind uses as a secret and safe valve to bring its fears out into the light. And I am changing at such a fast pace it’s amazing and terrifying at the same time. Who am I becoming? I know perfectly well who I am leaving behind. And I have absolutely no regrets. I have lived. I continue to live. Differently. I am treading a virgin path in an unmapped territory. Everything is new. Every breath, in such dire need of more oxygen, every step, every hope, every vision.

My constant backache teaches me humility. Such a precious gift… I never cease to say thank you.

 

Another kind of trip. A Moroccan dream

The sea has flooded the streets in Marrakesh and everyone is struggling through the lukewarm water – people, cars, trams, dark red buildings covered in intricate ornaments. 

My skin is so much darker now. And my face so much broader. My short black hair is so thick and dusty and my narrow eyes are searching in the mirror for a familiar expression, a familiar look, that strong, piercing force and the flush of passion I am so used to. 

I am a stout man in his late thirties, wearing black clothes covered in a thin, golden layer of sand. My face is square, my hands are big and my arms strong and dull. My round stomach is like a big ball that has swallowed my flexibility and grace. 

I miss myself. Marocco is beautiful, being a man is interesting, but I want my old life back. I must be a huge fan of traveling if I am now traveling through people, not only space. Still, I am done. I want to go back to being me. I like my former life. I want to be a woman again.

A short trip to Amsterdam

We stop in the Rembrandt Square and check the GPS for directions to the Red District. This annoying giggle makes my head turn and I see this couple accompanied by some friends. They’re in their early thirties. Chubby, dark hair, loose jeans and a black leather jacket, he’s proposing, holding the open box to reveal the ring between him and her, somewhere in front of her heart and feeling so nervous and shy and hoping to disappear before getting any attention from the passers by.

No one stops and no one stares. No one seems to be noticing, actually. Except me. And I try to be discreet. She seems high and surprised and unable to escape the “Is this for real?” vs “Oh, my God!” lines she keeps bouncing between, all the time tucking her straight blond hair behind her ears as if trying to grab hold of something she’s considered real for long enough to give her some comfort. Finally, they hug. She’s now wearing the ring, waving her hand in front of her friends, in front of her own eyes, in front of his face, in front of the whole world spinning at light speed around them.

I eventually turn my back to them, giving them some privacy and feeling a little bit ashamed by my intrusive presence. We head for the Red District. Hand in hand. Our friends are having dinner somewhere.

“No pot, no alcohol… Why have you come to Amsterdam?” one of them inquires on the lawn by the Van Gogh museum while passing the joint to another one in the group.

“I’m in a religious sect, I told you. I don’t eat meat, either…” I answer sarcastically. Keeping a secret feels delicious. Yet, I do feel like an alien.

I’m an alien, I’m a legal alien, I’m Dana in Amsterdam in the spring of 2017.

I’ve loved Van Gogh for as long as I can remember. And now, in the Van Gogh museum, I feel this distance between myself and everything that he used to represent for me. I am out of the valley of the shadow and doubt, out of the weeping song, out of the dark era. I am grateful for everything that was and everything I have learnt from the hard journey through all that.

The overcrowded city is so relaxed and so mentally blurred no one seems to know exactly what’s happening to them. They all seem to be wondering around like headless chicken. I used to be like that. Ten years ago or so this place would have seemed like heaven. Now… well, now I’m just enjoying the boat ride along the beautiful canals and a tasty dinner in an Italian restaurant. The Red District is too noisy and too sad. The girls are so beautiful and so wrought they awaken motherly instincts (?!) in me and a kind of exaggerated compassion on the fringes of love.

Our hotel, with its almost vertical staircase, is convenient enough. The big windows overlooking the main street make me suggest organizing a peep show for the passers by and the neighbors across. We push the two small beds together as soon as we arrive and pull the curtains in a rush.

“Have you got any non-alcoholic beer?” I almost whisper and blush as the waiter stares at me in disbelief. “Ok, don’t worry, just get me some water.” I add, giving up.

“Do you wanna go? I want to get more drinks? Can we stay longer?” my friend asks.

“Are you kidding? I’ve still got so much water in my glass. And if you dare me, I bet I can have one more!” I answer and we both laugh.

It’s her birthday. Last year we celebrated it in Istanbul. A life-changing experience. This year it’s Amsterdam. This is why I am here now. For her. Not for the pot or the drinks or the hooker spotting. Not even for the experience. And it’s all over so soon as we each head back to her own life and resume where we left off.

Getting ready to leave Harmony Street

“Look how beautiful this is! A clear road ahead, we’re walking, the sun in shining, the air is fresh… No one pushing, nothing like the crowded morning underground ride…” I hesitantly say as we’re walking to the city center this morning.

Four more weeks before I move house. It’s hard. I live in my favorite area in Bucharest, where I’ve wanted to live ever since I first discovered these quiet narrow streets, lined with old houses, some run down, others still retaining some of their former glory in sumptuous ornaments and elegant architecture. Most of them date back to the period between the two world wars or even earlier, before the first world war. They belong to times when rich people were stiff, elegant, conservative and stylish, but also generally well educated.

I moved here at a time in my life when I was going through great changes. I had moved out of my own apartment, where I’d lived for nine years and in which I not only invested finances, but also hopes and dreams and ideas and feelings and a great part of my heart. “The bed I’m going to get pregnant into” was left behind along with painted radiator masks, chairs and so on. I have to admit I went through a gradual process of letting go that started long before I actually left the place. I cried for every object. I admit. I cried for the wooden floor in the living room as if it were a dear old friend I was leaving.

But when I left, there were no more tears for objects. I never looked back. Never felt sorry for anything anymore. Cut the cords and moved on. From time to time I would go to the fridge to pick up something I’d left in my other fridge, but that didn’t take long, either, and made me giggle eventually.

Before I found the house in Harmony street I made a list with everything I wanted from the new place I was moving into. This place met every strict requirement. I knew immediately it was going to be my new home and that I was going to love it. And that it would only be temporary. Though my initial ‘plan’ has absolutely nothing to do with what’s happening in my life now, it still prevented me from forming too close attachments to the new place.

Nevertheless, now, that I’m preparing to leave again, I’m trying to enjoy every detail, every second spent here, every walk to work and back home again, every bike ride along these beautiful streets. I’m making mental lists of things that will remind me of this place: how happy I was here, how free, so much travelling I’ve done, the open terrace, the run down attic, the cracks in the walls, the dancing during earthquakes, the trembling floor when the washing machine is on, the comfortable bed, the decorations, the marble steps, the sound of the wind blowing last autumn, the piles of virgin snow covering the tiny front yard one winter morning as I struggled to pushed the door open to go to work, the crazy guy downstairs paying me a surprise visit around lunchtime on a Sunday, the parties, the skype conversations, the nighttime jogging last summer and poetry while jogging, hooker spotting and so many other big and small details that will keep this place and this period in my heart for a long while.

I am moving on now. It’s a leap of faith, just like every important move in life. No guarantees. There were no guarantees when I moved here, either. And yet I felt that the happiest period in my life so far was starting. I was right. Sometimes I feel confident, other times I am so afraid. I keep telling myself it’s an adventure. It will take me somewhere. I don’t know where yet. But I know I’m not stuck, I am moving. This time last year I was looking forward to my second trip to Istanbul and talking to my Syrian boyfriend every night on Skype. Now it’s like I have died in the meantime and was born into a new life already. I still have some memories from the previous one, but it’s a totally different story now. I have no regrets. I have moved past the threshold. More about my new life as it unfolds.

Winter serenade

I’m sitting at my table, browsing the Internet and waiting for him to call and tell me he’s downstairs. My stomach and my thighs feel tense and my lips are pursed and my jaw stiff. I can see myself from the outside but I still cannot relax. I am so afraid of a tragedy I think it would take a miracle to avoid it, with my strong attraction force.

What if he changes his mind? This is his first time too and he is clearly uncomfortable and weird about he whole thing. What if my first Valentine’s date ever doesn’t even happen…

Then I hear something at the window and I think some snow must have fallen off the roof down on the terrace below. And then I hear it again, a little stronger. And again, much stronger. I start thinking the radiator might be slowly and almost quietly exploding, piece by piece. So I reluctantly get up and, before I get next to the window, I have this whole film in my head about hot water splashing everywhere and pieces of radiator metal stuck in my flesh and my first Valentine’s Day date ever fucked. (Perfect word choice, I know.)

I get to the window, grab the curtain and pull it away from the radiator to check it out. I am looking down and, from the corner of my eye, I see movement downstairs, in front of the terrace. I look up and see him waving at me.

I start laughing. I know now his phone is dead and realize he’s been throwing snow at my window. Nobody’s ever thrown snow at my window to call me out. I like that. The dead phone is the best gift. I am giggling as I am going down the stairs and I know it’s gonna be the best Valentine’s date ever. (Especially since I have none other to compare it to and it is actually happening.)

Valentine’s Day caught between fear and love

I’ve never celebrated Valentine’s Day and have been terrified by it for years. The strongest memory I have of it is since I was fifteen and my first love cheated on me.

Ten years older than me and a lieutenant, he was living in another town. He came to see me the day before Valentine’s and the next day I had to go to an English contest in the county capital. So he said he was going into the mountains to ski because he was training for an international competition.

“I’ll be back tonight!” he told me that morning in the bus stop and kissed me before I got on the couch and we went our separate ways. Forever.

I waited and waited and waited. We had no phones back then and no computers. There was no way of getting in touch. It was Saturday. On Monday I asked my neighbors on the ground floor to allow me to use their landline to call his mother, thinking he might be dead or something. I was in love head over heels, we were planning to have kids when I grew up and he said he loved me, so not showing up that night meant he was either dead or unconscious in the forest or in the hospital.

“He left, darling. Yesterday.” his mother said.

I was surprised to see I could get out of my neighbors’ apartment and back to my room. I knew for sure I was not dead because everything hurt. No explanation. No idea. No way to get in touch except letters. I decided to wait. Actually, I don’t remember if it was so much a decision I made or just the only thing I could do since I was unable to do anything else, really.

A few days later he called my neighbors’ phone number. I hated the weight of the receiver pressing against my ear, resting in the sweaty palm of my hand, smearing grease and dust and filth on my skin. I later had to rub everything off with a sponge. Still, the ghost of it was hard to banish. It stuck to me like a leech. Made me rub my ear and palm so much they became red and hot. My right side was burning.

“Something happened…” he said in the same voice I had loved with all my heart. “I met someone”, the lips that had kissed every inch of my teenage body continued. “I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you…”

I cannot reply. My neck is broken in his fist. No air can go through. No words can come out. Kneeling next to the bedside cabinet where the phone is, the fifteen year old who had only lost her virginity to this man two or three weeks before, is dead. Never again would she get up and walk out of that living room in her neighbors’ ground floor apartment. The ghost that does get up and leave is trembling all over and cannot breathe. She keeps staring at her sweaty hands shaking uncontrollably.

In the meantime, I miraculously managed to get over all that. Well, countless hours of regressions, homeopathy and energy work helped a lot. We even met a few years ago, me and him, and made peace and then continued on our separate ways. And here I am, twenty years later. I hated this time of year for twenty long years and was always expecting something to go terribly wrong.

This year I decided I want it. I want Valentine’s Day. This morning I woke up in the arms of the man that I love. He’s far from being flawless. We have that in common. But I made the decision to believe again. For years I have been criticizing Valentine’s Day for being such a superficial and commercial holiday. Well, life itself is commercial. The media educates us into believing we need so much stuff. Ultimately, Valentine’s Day, just like any other day of our lives, is what each of us decides to make of it. I have decided to step out of the drama and the sarcasm and the superiority complex. I have decided to celebrate it and celebrate joy and life. Am I afraid? Terrified… Does that stop me? Not a chance!

Letting England shake us

“It’s supposed to be blue. Blue air…. And it’s white air…” I hear a kid at my back saying, as we’re flying up through the fluffy cloud blanket, leaving the thick London fog below, before getting into the blinding sun burning the sky above the clouds.

It was my fourth time in England and it feels so much like home that I don’t even feel like I was very far away… Although it is extremely different from Romania, it does remind me of my home town and the weather there during my childhood, before the effects of global warming became impossible to ignore and we could still joke about the weather, me an my mom, saying “Last year we had summer on a Thursday.” Now all that has changed and it’s much warmer and drier. But England still has that damp air and the fog and the perpetual spring scent that I miss. And I love it for that.

“She was donated to us”, an elderly curator starts telling us the story about the huge elephant skull on the right of the staircase in the Peterborough museum. “She had her own coach on the train when she came to us from London. They got bored with her there. Sometime after the war…” And we have a pleasant chat before he politely rushes us out of the place so he can close the museum. And right before we leave, I miraculously find a green stone (peacock ore) in the museum shop, just like the one I dreamed I was buying the night before, together with a small, hand carved wooden broom for erasing debts.

The next day, I find London as I remembered her: a wrinkled chic old lady wearing high heeled sandals in winter, no tights, a thick layer of lipstick in military red shade and colorful clothes in an outrageous mix of patterns and prints over nude silk underwear. All topped with a stiff Victorian collar. She’s still got it in her. I’ve never managed to fall out of love with her. Never even tried, to be perfectly honest.

“Now I understand what you tried to say to me, how you suffered for your sanity, how you tried to set them free. But they would not listen, they did not know how, perhaps they’ll listen now… For they could not love you, but still your love was true, and when no hope was left inside on that starry, starry night, you took your life as lovers often do. But I could’ve told you, Vincent, this world was never made for one as beautiful as you.” I hear my own voice singing in my friend’s ear at the National Gallery, before Van Gogh’s paintings. And I love my voice. I sounds so full and soft and brave, as if I could actually sing. Amsterdam is waiting.

Spent two days in London, going places and having beers in pubs, getting all permeated with the London atmosphere like a green, soft moss under heavy rain. I absorbed everything like a sponge. I still have the same feeling it gave me the first time I visited: no matter who you are or what you are like, you find your place here, there’s something for you, too. The city feels like a huge salad with everything – all colors and textures and tastes, enough for everyone. And the morning being woken up by the chirping of the birds in the park across the street from our artist friends’ basement apartment in Islington, where we spent the night on a mattress in their living room… priceless!

The third day was King’s Lynn day. A small medieval town about an hour and a half bus ride from Peterborough. The center is packed with hair salons (literally, three or four in every street) and shops and the greatest attraction was a beautiful antique shop kept by some friendly old ladies wearing thick knitted jumpers and vests to insulate their fragile bodies from the penetrating cold that conserved their impressive collection of antiques, all polished and well kept.

“What is there to do here?”
“Hmm… I don’t know… Have kids, I guess… I mean what else can one do here?”
“Yes. You’re right. We should move here and have kids.”
“And a new haircut every week.”

We make the plan and then head back to Peterborough and the next day it’s York. We loved York. So neat and red and English to the bone (well, to the timber beams holding all the red bricks in place). We climb up to the highest tower in the York Minster (where we have tickets that are valid for a whole year, so we really should go back and visit it again) and take pictures and laugh a lot through the nausea caused by the narrow spiral climb. Later on, after a boring visit at the Museum of York, we get a beautiful game of story cubes from a lovely shop called Traveling Man and then play at a pub with a fireplace, igniting our imagination and when the beers kick in we laugh and create funny collaborative stories, following new rules every round. We continue the same game the entire train ride back to Peterborough, making the beautiful young Asian student sitting next to us get up and find another seat where she can learn in silence, away from the ridiculous thirty something Romanians playing their weird game.

And that was our last night in England on this journey, so the next day we are back to the airport and back on the plane. This time, for the first time ever, I spend almost the entire flight sleeping. I remember not being able to understand people who slept during short flights. For me the view out the window is so spectacular I couldn’t understand how anyone could sleep through such a marvelous display of beauty. Now, flying so often and sleeping so little, I can understand. So, having my eyes flooded by the white air that funny kid at my back noticed, I let them close and rest my head on my travel companion’s shoulder. And there’s this precious moment, right before falling asleep, when I feel my mind skidding like a car wheel on a patch of ice unexpectedly encountered on a dry road, when everything feels perfect.

See pictures from this journey on Instagram.

You should come with me to the end of the world

“Is there any chance you might come to Cambodia with me one day?”

“Cambodia?!” I ask, turning on my mental gps and trying to locate it on the map. Is it in Africa? I wonder, but I quickly cover up my confusion with a smile and decide the best answer to a question you don’t know the answer to is another question: “Why would I want to go to Cambodia?”

“Because it’s beautiful…” he replies squeezing my arm.

We’re walking together in Cismigiu, the oldest park in Bucharest. He’s my oldest friend. 84.

A long conversation follows as I’m trying to figure out why he wants to take me to the end of the world, since I can’t afford to pay for almost anything on such a long and faraway journey.

“I tell you, if I were fifty years younger, you’d be having a very hard time trying to get rid of me. But I’m not, so I can just be your friend”, he says laughing, trying to assure me of the terms of our relationship and help me relax into the proposal. But I still find it difficult.

“You like travelling, don’t you? So why then can’t you accept that life is giving you a present?” he finally asks the question that manages to convince me to say yes.

“Really?” he asks. “You are coming?” Now he’s the one who’s surprised. It’s the first time he’s met someone who’s as crazy as he is, it seems.

This is who I am. Once I know it’s something I want, I jump in head first and I go all the way. There’s no half measure with me. And I am brave enough to go to the end of the world with someone I’ve known for a very short while. I am thirsty for life. I have been so since I decided to live, after having been so close to death in early childhood.

It’s been one year since my journey to Cambodia. And it was one of the most exciting experiences of my life. It has changed me. Now, a year later, I’m going on another journey. This time with a partner. Not a friend. Not just a lover, either. Someone I’ve decided to give a chance to. It’s hard, I’m not gonna lie. Every day I am a battle ground for these two inner forces – the one saying I should leave and travel on my own and the other one, the softer one, that wants love and companionship and dreams of domestic bliss, both on and off the road. I try to love them both. Last year this is what I asked for, keeling in all the temples I visited: “Send me my partner. Send me my travel companion. And I will serve You forever.” This is what I got.

PS More about the current journey and the one in Cambodia soon on the blog.

PPS The title of this blog post is a line from a song by Aphrodite’s Child that I like – End of the world.