It’s been two hours since I need to pee and I am quietly sobbing in the darkness of our family bedroom, bouncing on the fitness ball with my baby fidgeting in my arms, while my toddler is rolling on the mattress, biting his nails.
It’s been one hour since I’ve been trying to get my boys to sleep. I’ve told them the nap time story, breastfed them God knows how many times, kissed, snuggled, pleaded, hoped, prayed, crammed up rolling between them. When the baby was almost asleep, the toddler was loud and kept him awake and the other way round. I don’t remember how many times. My nipples are sore and I’ve been kissed, licked, hit, kicked, puked on, sucked, climbed on, pinched, bitten, ridden, driven etc, etc.
Their needs are so different and I can’t help thinking I am not doing the right thing for either of them. I am way too rational to believe that crap about being the perfect mother for them and way too spiritual to talk myself out of that same crappy conviction, so the conflict remains unresolved.
As my tears are warmly raining over my baby’s head, I feel his resistance melting in my arms and sleep settling in like a broody hen, while his weight is pushing my arms closer and closer to my thighs.
I get off the ball and start for the bed praying that he doesn’t wake up before or after I put him down and that his brother won’t make a loud noise or jump up when I get there. As I am softly kneeling on the mattress, I hear my older‘s velvet breath and realise he, too, has fallen asleep to my sobbing.
My prayers have been heard. One hour of hard work and a good cry was all it took. Thank you.