I have embarked on the most exciting journey I’ve ever been so far. I have a new heart beating inside me. A new heart. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine hearing a brand new heart beating inside you? One that’s grown out of your own ‘material’, one that your body so cleverly produces, in perfect organisation of its cells. One that only so temporarily almost belongs to you… Never before have I been so scared and happy and in love at the same time.
I have all sorts of weird dreams that my subconscious mind uses as a secret and safe valve to bring its fears out into the light. And I am changing at such a fast pace it’s amazing and terrifying at the same time. Who am I becoming? I know perfectly well who I am leaving behind. And I have absolutely no regrets. I have lived. I continue to live. Differently. I am treading a virgin path in an unmapped territory. Everything is new. Every breath, in such dire need of more oxygen, every step, every hope, every vision.
My constant backache teaches me humility. Such a precious gift… I never cease to say thank you.
The sea has flooded the streets in Marrakesh and everyone is struggling through the lukewarm water – people, cars, trams, dark red buildings covered in intricate ornaments.
My skin is so much darker now. And my face so much broader. My short black hair is so thick and dusty and my narrow eyes are searching in the mirror for a familiar expression, a familiar look, that strong, piercing force and the flush of passion I am so used to.
I am a stout man in his late thirties, wearing black clothes covered in a thin, golden layer of sand. My face is square, my hands are big and my arms strong and dull. My round stomach is like a big ball that has swallowed my flexibility and grace.
I miss myself. Marocco is beautiful, being a man is interesting, but I want my old life back. I must be a huge fan of traveling if I am now traveling through people, not only space. Still, I am done. I want to go back to being me. I like my former life. I want to be a woman again.
Having left Harmony street, I now live in Gardners’ street. So I grow stuff. Looking back now, it does feel like I have started a whole new life altogether, not merely changed the one I used to have. It has not been exactly a walk in the park. But it’s been totally worth it. Two years ago I finally put into practice a decision that changed everything. I feel so grateful for the power that was lent to me so that I could go through with all of it. A leap of faith, a jump into the unknown, no guarantees, nothing and no one to cling to except faith. Faith like a thread of light pulling me forward to a future that was only dreamed of. Knowing it is possible to make your dreams come true is the only thing we actually need to rely on the moment we make that scary jump. The rest is details. And balls.