A meeting with an old friend, flooded in light

“You’re basically doing all the right things”, the ophthalmologist tells me after the examination, having almost blinded me with her strong light, taking the deepest look into my eyes anyone has ever taken.

The flood of light when I get out into the sun and the snow is so painful I can barely keep my eyes open and I’m feeling a little bit confused trying to make my way to the park to meet some of the kids in my class. There are no contours and everything seems to float and move all the time, as if I were trying to focus and the camera just won’t keep still.

“Mrs Daniela, Mrs Daniela, I missed you so much”, he says running towards me and jumping into my arms. I forget he’s grown and, hugging him tight, I lift him at my chest to make keeping him close easier on my back. This embarrasses him, so I quickly put him down and tell him how much he’s grown (though I’m not so credible anymore, since I could lift him).

“Me too, my darling, me too. Let me look at you” and I’m searching for his eyes and, through the blinding light still pouring in, I can still see that part of me I’ve always seen in him and that part of him I see in me every morning when I look in the mirror.

He’s so sensitive it almost feels like his skin has been peeled off his chest and his heart has no way of defending herself against the world doing all it does just by being itself. He takes it all in and lets it storm throughout his entire being. His heart is so big everyone and everything fits inside and there is still room for more. I wish mine were brave enough to be like that all the time. Leaving the doors and the windows wide open through the lowest and the highest temperatures.

He lives in India now with his family. A travelers’ family. We’re from the same family, so not even for a moment do I feel we have ever been apart. And I do feel, with all my heart, that there is a strong connection between us and it will stay strong and live through many life changes. I knew it since the first time I saw him – a strong, intelligent and scared eight year old, blinking all the time and hiding his eyes from mine. I knew he’s from my ship. We’re still sailing together.

Thank you, Rareș.

 

Confessions in the electricity shop

“You know, I can pay you through a bank transfer if you give me your account number.” I tell my dentist as she’s pulling her instruments out of my mouth so I can talk again. “I don’t have enough cash and I don’t have my cards anymore, but I can do that.” I add.

“No, no, it’s fine, I told you. I was actually thinking I might give you some money for food” she says and that brings tears into my eyes but I quickly swallow them thanking her for her infinite kindness. She’s a good friend, my ‘dangerous Syrian boy’ would say. I’d told her my wallet was stolen/ lost and she insisted I should still come for the appointment.

And when she’s done fixing a tooth on the upper right side (the side with the swollen eye and the upset ear from landing this Saturday and the bike crash before my birthday this autumn), we both get out and she gives me a lift and drops me close to my home. We catch up on each other’s lives on the way and I meet her husband when I get out of the car and knowing that he, too, exists is reassuring and makes me more confident about my resolutions.

I stop at a small electricity shop and I find the door is locked. I look for the schedule on the narrow glass door and, before I find it, the door opens and a beautiful lady in her mid sixties welcomes me in.

“I’m listening. What is it?” she says and I notice her heavy makeup behind her thick glasses and her beautiful mouth and her clear, shiny skin.

“I need two light bulbs. A smaller one and a bigger one” I say hesitantly, realizing I sound like a woman who doesn’t know about electrical stuff. But since I’m talking to another woman, I’m relaxed about it.

“Do you know this neighborhood?” she asks fetching a couple of light bulbs from a shelf behind her and placing them on the counter in front of me, taking them out of their boxes and trying them for me to see that they work.

“Well, a little bit, I suppose. I haven’t lived here very long.”

“How long?”

“About a year and a half I think…”

“Do you get along with them?”

“I don’t know? With who? I don’t really interact with people around here…”

“I can’t take it anymore. I have some problems” she says making me stop and suddenly evaluate my possibilities. “How long can I still go on? What do you think I should do?” she asks staring into my eyes. “These people, they expect me to have sex with the boss of the neighborhood. Would you have sex with someone whose hands look like sausages? Would you be able to? With someone with loose skin, hanging about them like this?” she asks painting the image around her with her hands. “With someone who smells of garlic or who knows what else? With a seventy-five year old? I’m sixty-three. I am clean, I take care of myself, I can’t have sex with anyone like that.” she continues. “Why do you think they torment me like this?”

“I don’t know. I’m sorry.” At this point she’s got all my attention and my heart feels warm and a part of me reaches out to her over the counter, hugging her and wiping the tears running down her powdered, wrinkled cheeks.

“I had a family. They took it from me. I want my son. I want Cristi to come. Why isn’t he coming? You tell me.”

“I’m sorry… I don’t know…”

“I had a husband. My husband had a mistress. He would go and fuck her and then come back home to me and our son. You know, home is a state, an atmosphere. He couldn’t leave us… He came home every time. I see him sitting on a chair in the kitchen, his tears falling on the tiled floor. It’s you that I love, he used to say to me. And I believed him. Still, he kept fucking her. Now he is dead. But our family was destroyed before he died. They ran into it with a bulldozer. Why would anyone do that to someone?” she pauses again for me to answer.

“I don’t know…” and my own tears start blurring my vision as she’s giving me a glimpse into a possible future and I’m emptied of myself like a bath tub of which you suddenly remove the drain stop.

“At least if someone came to me and said: Mrs Doina, I have this against you…. I don’t like this about you… That is why I am tormenting you… But nobody says anything… You have to explain to me! Tell me!” her tears prevent her from continuing here and she takes a short break.

“I am sorry… I don’t know why this is happening to you…”

“And they torment me every day. They say nasty words, they steal my things, they took my boy, they took my family, my life, everything… Tell me why… Would you do that to anyone?”

“I don’t know why… I wouldn’t do that. I hope I’ll never be able to do that to anyone.”

“What can I do? Tell me?”

“Perhaps you should pray. Ask for guidance… Try to find some inner peace…”

“I can’t. I have tried. I can’t do that anymore. It’s too difficult. I can’t even go to church. It’s too much. You know?”

“I know…”

“Is it because I have these eyes?” she asks taking off her glasses to reveal her beautiful big eyes under her heavily made up eye lids. “Is it because I have these lips? Is it? Because I see when men come into the shop, they look at my lips. Perhaps they imagine their organ between my lips, you know… Perhaps that’s what they imagine…”

Her lips are beautiful – so soft and innocent and still so feminine and elegant, nothing vulgar or withered about them. And at this point I imagine kissing them. Just because I feel so much love for this woman right now and I imagine my touch would make her fly a little, help her forget about her life and take off with me in a dream. We could both disappear. I imagine leaning over the counter between us, my lips searching for hers and at the first soft touch, we both take off like two sister rockets and shoot up through the roof of the shop, making all the light bulbs and the cables and the fuses and everything burn in short, strong explosions like fireworks all around us. And we just disappear together. A well deserved break from life.

I’m standing still, back straight, arms straight, chin raised to meet hers, my eyes holding hers. What is it about me that puts me in situations like this? I am the silent dervish again (references here and here). Holding it all together so that the other one can express the pain. I am there for her. I love her with all my heart. I don’t judge, I just listen.

“Why is this happening to me?” she insists. “Why do people do this to other people? Why? What do you think?”

Since she insists, I make my confession, too. Just because for a moment there I think she needs to know she’s not the only one in pain, she’s not the only one asking herself and the others questions about life and the meaning of things. I confess everything.

“Oh, but that’s a totally different thing”, she says without the faintest sign of compassion.

“I should pay for the light bulbs”, I add deciding to get out of there.

“It’s 3 lei. And take care of yourself.” she replies.

“Thank you” I say in the end. “I wish you all the best, a light heart and peace.” and I truly feel blessed with a precious gift as I’m walking out of the shop.

Before getting home to write her story, a poem for a friend and a thank you card marking an end and a beginning, I make another short stop in the market across the road for some cheese. Just as I step out of the cheese shop and head for the exit, I am met by Annie Lennox’s convincing voice coming from a radio in a shop:

How many sorrows
Do you try to hide
In a world of illusion
That’s covering your mind?
I’ll show you something good
Oh I’ll show you something good.
When you open your mind
You’ll discover the sign
That there’s something
You’re longing to find
The miracle of love
Will take away your pain
When the miracle of love
Comes your way again.

I have absolutely no doubt about it.

PS Coming up on the blog: the story of my week in Sweden this winter.

2.11 am

I’m in my bed in Bucharest, checking flights to Konya. Just as the search produces results, the room starts shaking. Ok, I say to myself, it’s an earthquake, it’s an earthquake, just breathe. And I don’t move, I just witness the tension of the earth releasing and my own building up. The earth stopped shaking 9 minutes ago and I haven’t.

For a moment there, I thought the walls might give in (I live in this very old house), so my mind started reciting a prayer. Numerous layers of thought and feeling simultaneously active. There’s the prayer level, the fear level, the anger level, the regret level, the gratefulness level, the stupid level, the practical, what-to-do level, the ‘other people’ level, the love-of-my-life level, the what-the-fuck-am-I-still-doing-here level, the passive level and others I have no record of.

I watched “The lake house” tonight, it finished about 40 minutes before the earthquake. I was crying for half of it. And as the earthquake’s unfolding (How long did it last, anyway? How many minutes? How many years?), my loneliness surfaces again just like this wave from deep within the earth is surfacing now. I could die here. Or anywhere, for that matter. Have I died already? Am I still waiting to meet you (again)? Are you still out there?

Later update:

Since I was looking into travelling to Konya, I thought consulting Rumi on the current issue might be interesting, so here’s what he says:

“Who makes these changes?
I shoot an arrow right.
It lands left.
I run after a deer and find myself
chased by a hog.
I plot to get what I want
and end up in prison.
I dig pits to trap others
and fall in.
I should be suspicious
of what I want.”

(Rumi, Selected poems, Penguin Classics, London, 2004, opened radomly at page 110)

Fereastra

Cerul era de un albastru adânc și mi-era cald. Din păr îmi alunecau pe frunte pârâiașe de transpirație care mi se opreau istovite în sprâncenele albe și stufoase. Dacă n-aș fi fost un om bătrân, aș fi plonjat în răcoarea cerului ca-n mare.

Doamne, câte turnuri de apărare! Iar eu nu mi-am luat nici măcar o pălărie să mă apere de soare… cred că sunt un om tare curajos! Nici măcar soarele nu poate să mă doboare, oricât s-ar distra el bătându-mă-n cap fără milă.

Așa se gândea Matei Casian în prima lui vizită la Castelul Corvinilor, într-o zi fierbinte de vară când, deodată, tresări:

–          Dragi vizitatori, bun venit la castel!  Preafrumoase domnițe și curajoși domni, vă poftesc la mine acasă! Eu sunt cavalerul castelului! se auzi din mulțime o voce tunătoare care făcu celelalte voci să pară niște ciripituri sfioase ce se subțiară lungindu-se la pământ pentru ca apoi să se stingă ca flăcările lumânărilor în bătaia unei pale de vânt la slujba de Înviere, când mâinile înfrigurate nu izbutesc să se facă destul de repede căuș.

Ca un val, o pădure de brațe se arcuiră ridicând în aer un stol de aparate de fotografiat, care se-ndreptară ca-ntr-un dans sincron către vocea tunătoare. Cavalerul castelului, înveșmântat în straie neobișnuit de albe, era un domn solid, cu păr cărunt și lung până la brâu, cu barbă stufoasă și ochi negri, pătrunzători. La brâu îi atârna o sabie grea, vârâtă în teacă, iar încheieturile mâinilor îi erau apărate de fâșii de piele legate cu șireturi, ale căror margini se ascundeau sub tivul cămășii albe când brațele cavalerului se odihneau pe lângă trup.

Sprâncenele lui Matei Casian se uniră la mijloc, formând un cozoroc stufos deasupra ochilor verzi.

–          Mă scuzați! se răsti el către doamna grasă din dreapta lui, măsurându-i trupul de la picioare până la cap și apoi invers.

Doamna, într-o rochie roșie cu buline albe care îi ajungea până la genunchi, îl călcase pe Matei Casian pe piciorul drept și părea că parcase acolo, cu talpa piciorului așezată ferm și confortabil peste pantoful lui Matei Casian, lustruit de cu dimineață. Păru că nu aude vocea care i se adresa și nu se mișcă deloc.

–          Doamnă! se răsti din nou Matei Casian, făcându-l pe cavalerul castelului să privească încruntat în direcția lui și să ridice și mai mult vocea, acoperind de data aceasta nu doar ciripitul, ci până și gândurile rătăcite ale mulțimii adunate în fața lui.

–          Vă rugăm să ne scuzați! se auzi ciripitul timid al unei fetițe pe care Matei Casian n-o văzuse și care ieși parcă din faldurile rochiei roșii cu buline albe.

Matei Casian își coborî privirea spre ea fără să-și aplece bărbia și se-ncruntă și mai mult, făcând ca sprâncenele lui albe să pară troiene de zăpadă care se-ngrămădesc gata-gata să se prăvălească într-o avalanșă peste obrajii arși de soare.

–          Păi… apucă el să rostească.

–          Știți, continuă fetița, mama nu mai aude deloc.

Prinse apoi mâna bătătorită a femeii, uitată parcă în pliul rochiei roșii cu buline albe și o scutură cu blândețe, privind în sus spre fața ei și zâmbindu-i înțelegătoare, ca unui copil care acum învață cum merg lucrurile pe pământ.

–          Mama, spuse apoi fetița.

Femeia se lumină deodată, de parcă un nor cenușiu tocmai alunecase de pe chipul ei, dezgolindu-l și făcându-l să se înalțe cu cerul albastru în spate, ca un al doilea soare. Iar dacă și alți copii ar fi privit atunci chipul femeii, s-ar fi-ntrebat de când are pământul doi sori și unde se ascunsese până acum acest al doilea soare, cald și aburind ca o pâine proaspăt scoasă din cuptor.

–          Draga mea, răspunse al doilea soare, înroșindu-se ușor.

–          Mama, domnul te roagă frumos să-ți muți piciorul. L-ai călcat, spuse rar  fetița, lăsând cuvintele să-și rostogolească fiecare sunet de pe buzele ei ca un pârâiaș de munte țâșnind din izvor și făcându-și apoi loc printre pietre și frunze și crengi, cu grijă să nu deranjeze nici măcar un fir de păianjen de la locul lui, dar totuși izvorând limpede și luminos.

–          O, vă rog să mă scuzați, spuse repede doamna întorcându-se spre Matei Casian și luându-i mâna în mâinile ei. Mă scuzați, nu mai aud deloc, spuse ea mai tare decât ar fi fost nevoie. În același timp, își mută piciorul, eliberând de greutatea lui pantoful lui Matei Casian, care se retrase rapid un pas mai în spate, respirând ușurat și încercând acum să-și elibereze și mâna din strânsoare.

–          Trebuie să fiți mai atentă, se bâlbâi el. Știți… adică…

Nu apucă să-și ducă ideea până la capăt că fetița țâșni de după mama ei și, cu un salt, se aruncă asupra lui, lipindu-și trupul firav de picioarele lui groase și obrazul de burta bombată, făcându-l pe Matei Casian să se clatine și să se lase pe spate, eliberându-și astfel mâna din strânsoarea femeii.  Își aruncă brațele încercând să cuprindă trupul acestui om și-l strânse cât de tare putu.

Matei Casian privi încruntat în jos, spre capul copilului lipit de burta lui și, simțind cum cămașa i se lipește de pielea umedă de transpirație, încercă să se dea un pas și mai în spate. Copila îl urmă fără efort, căci o trase pur și simplu cu el, ca pe o a doua haină.

–          E… în… regulă… nicio… problemă… bâigui Matei Casian încercând să scape.

Doamne Dumnezeule,  cred că a înnebunit lumea, a luat-o razna. Cum scap eu de aici?! Ce mă fac?

Fetița se lipi de el și mai mult, iar Matei Casian se văzu nevoit să se sprijine de zidul rece din spatele lui. Atunci observă pentru prima oară fereastra din fața lui, prin care se vedeau crengile copacilor și dealurile verzi, cu case colorate, iar deasupra lor cerul strălucitor de vară. Fetița îl strângea tot mai tare, cu o forță pe care nu i-ar fi bănuit-o, făcându-l să ofteze și să simtă cum din interior începe să alunece ca mierea pe pereții borcanului după ce borcanul a fost zdruncinat bine. Doar că zdruncinăturile încă nu se terminaseră.

Fetița își îndreptă capul și privi în sus spre Matei Casian, căutându-i ochii. De sub troienele de zăpadă ce începuseră acum să se topească, picurând pe obrajii arși, ochii verzi ai lui Matei Casian priveau pentru prima dată chipul fetiței, care părea că-i zâmbește nu din fața lui, ci de undeva de dincolo de timp, de dincolo de tot ce cunoscuse el de-a lungul celor 68 de ani de când era pe pământ. Nu vedea nici culoarea ochilor ei, nici forma chipului, nici a dinților dezgoliți de buze, ci doar raze de lumină pătrunzând printr-o fereastră drept în sufletul lui, inundându-i cele mai umbrite cotloane.

Și, pentru prima dată după mult, mult timp, Matei Casian zâmbi. Îi zâmbea acestui copil străin pe care simțea că-l cunoaște dintotdeauna. Își puse palmele pe umerii fetiței și o împinse ușor de lângă el, făcându-și loc să alunece cu spatele pe lângă zid și să se lase pe vine, pentru a o putea privi drept în ochi. Erau căprui. Preț de câteva clipe, cei doi se priviră în ochi și toată lumea se învârtea în jurul lor ca prinsă-ntr-o tornadă în care ei erau însuși ochiul imobil și luminos, liniștea însăși.

Matei Casian continua să zâmbească și, după o vreme, își auzi vocea rostind cu blândețe:

–          Mulțumesc.

 

Handwritten and hand bound into a booklet during the creative writing workshop for children I taught in Hunedoara between August 16-20, at the Corvin Castle, part of the Digital Art and Storytelling for Heritage Audience Development Project.  

Toamna vine mai întâi în cuvinte

Pe nesimțite, încetăm să mai pronunțăm cuvinte care ne fac să ne azvârlim hainele de pe noi, cuvinte pe care le-am îngropa în nisip, cuvinte care ni se înroșesc pe vârful limbii ca cireșele la soare, cuvinte care ne fac să bem limonadă cu gheață sau să ne întindem pielea la uscat după o zi de scaldă. Nu mai rostim cuvinte care zboară ca puful de păpădie odată ce ne părăsesc buzele. Toamna vine când cuvintele noastre se domolesc și adesea uită să mai zboare și iernează undeva sub cerul gurii, în spatele dinților după care se chircesc ascunzându-se de vânt.  Pentru că încep să găsească de mâncare acolo și mușcă din limbile noastre amorțite, doar-doar le-or trezi.

Abia pe urmă încep să ruginească și copacii, când nu-i mai pot ține cuvintele verzi.

 

An unusual weekend

 

On Friday I was on the road for ten hours. The coach driver, a strong and beautiful woman in her forties, offered me candies and gave me a discount on the ticket. We caught a bad accident  and then heavy rain on the way and the coach was delayed for three hours. Never before in my life had I seen such a badly damaged lorry cabin. I doubt that the driver was taken out of it in one piece… A friend was then waiting for me at the end of the road and picked me up by car. He spent three hours waiting for me. And then carried my luggage to his car. How can I ever feel lonely? I am never alone. Never.

Then rain and cold and fog and moisture conquering everything for two days in this summer camp. Everything. Still, my heart was getting lighter and lighter. Saturday night came with singing and guitar playing and a lot of laughter and it felt so good to be with warm-hearted people and feel at home, among your own kind. And the next day, when I left the camp, a friend looked at me and said: “You are shining. And you look so kissable now.” “Thanks”, I said. “I’ve always been so successful with women.” And we laughed and hugged and said goodbye until next time.

On Sunday evening I was back to Bucharest, after a journey with three chain accidents on the highway and a speed ticket. Oh, and a fox crossed our road in a village, in plain daylight. As I was waiting for a bus to take me home, my phone rang. My good friend in Istanbul updated me on the news. I hadn’t heard anything.

“I was in the street when everything started. Suddenly, the army started shooting people. I saw about twenty people dying in front of me. For nothing… They were raising their arms in front of the military and saying: Shoot us, shoot us! And they shot them. And I remembered your words: You are a survivor. And so I got out of there.”

He is 23. Left Syria because of the war. Went to Lebanon and there was fighting there, too. Now Istanbul.

On Wednesday last week another friend gave me this book called “Istanbul Istanbul”, by Burhan Sonmez.

What is it with this life?

Now, in the light of this seemingly pure insanity, I am feeling so grateful for everything. For every breath. For every beautiful memory. For every kiss, every look that has ever felt like ‘yes, I recognize you from back home, I know who you are’. And for every hardship. Everything, every grain of sand, every smile, every step, every journey, every love story and every separation, everything has made me who I am today. And I am so in love with life. I am drunk on it. And I bow to the forces that bring us together every time. And I let go.